How Divorce Makes me Feel Guilty on my Child’s Birthday

Ten years ago was one of the happiest days of my whole life. It's the day I became a mom for the first time! Little did I know then how different this day would be now.

From the minute my oldest was born, I knew I wanted my kids to have everything I was able to provide them. Whether that meant material or memories, but they would not be spoiled brats. My ex and I decided that on their birthdays they would each get their own special day with us to do whatever they wanted. I always looked forward to these days each year.

So many things change when a family splits up and while I knew that and was fully aware of the agreement my ex and I made - we alternate having the boys on their birthdays each year - it didn't hit me until this morning that I won't be with my boy to celebrate his double digits.

This is also the first year that I won't be with either of my boys on their actual birthday and that hit me HARD this morning. Like big tears, red eyes, hurt my heart kind of hard. I certainly celebrate the heck out of them when I do have them but different is hard for awhile.

I'm one of those moms that feels super guilty at times like this. Anyone else? I should be there for every big moment in his life. Maybe this isn't a big moment to him and maybe he won't speak up about it now. But when he's older, I don't want him thinking I wasn't there for him or that I missed his birthdays. Does that seem silly or is that a legit mom thing to be concerned about?

I keep trying to look at the positive side of this which is being able to spend one on one time with my youngest and vice versa come November when it's little man's birthday. I'll get through this too, someone please just tell me I'm not overreacting.