The Great Abandon

How do you break yourself from the terrifying thought of relationships??

The idea of it seems appealing, especially when you feel you need someone to support you in life, but for me, that doesn't justify starting a relationship.

The other day, while at my son’s baseball practice, I observed the interactions between my ex-husband and his girlfriend. Surprisingly, I felt a pang of jealousy. It wasn't because I wanted him back or because I thought she was better than me, but for the first time in five years, I longed for something genuine. 

I’ve often mentioned that I enjoy being by myself—particularly now, as I hear my colleagues constantly complaining about their husbands and how they fail to meet their expectations. I have no desire to return to that place. That place makes me want to stay alone and do everything independently. 

Deep, deep down, I honestly truly want the relationship and someone to come home to. Someone to share details of my day with. Someone to laugh with daily. Someone to travel with and say goodnight to every night. Someone to help me through every dark moment and be there for every high and achievement my boys and I have. 

Observing my ex and his girlfriend, I realized there were numerous things he never did with me, not even at the beginning of our relationship. What struck me was hearing someone tell his girlfriend, “you look SO happy. I love it!” I long for someone to say that to me. I want to be SO happy. 

I also understand what I want and refuse to tolerate nonsense or gaslighting anymore. That's what makes this challenging. I want someone who is relaxed and independent, yet also someone who can make me smile just by thinking about or looking at him. 

I somewhat dislike that I'm straying from my initial 'post-divorce plan,' but I believe it's time to leave the single life behind and begin what I hope will be one of the most rewarding seasons of my life! (Even if it does terrify me!)