The Start of the End

When I started doing research on the things I was experiencing in my marriage, things such as: feeling belittled, isolated from friends and family, limits on my spending, not having an opinion - here's what I found.

Have you ever heard the term Gaslighting? The definition is; to manipulate someone using psychological methods into questioning their own sanity or powers of reasoning. And yes, it's exactly as shitty as it sounds. Imagine thinking YOU are the entire problem for 4 years. Imagine telling yourself multiple times that there's no way that's true, only to hear otherwise from your spouse. You actually do think you've lost your mind.

The thing that happened to me most was feeling belittled, useless, that I wasn't good enough, that I wasn't living up to his standards - whatever those were. If I didn't quite follow something he was telling me, he'd get irritated and tell me I didn't understand. In his mind, there was only one way to do things and that was his way. Whether it was cleaning the house, doing the laundry, or even disciplining our children. If I didn't do it in a way he liked, he told me the way that I SHOULD be doing it instead. I'm sure you're with me here Mamas, this made me feel like a terrible mother!!

After awhile, I did start questioning whether I was parenting my boys well enough. That's how much he got into my head. I questioned that, as well as whether or not I should suggest a family outing on the weekend. I didn't even like bringing up when we had family events on my side of the family because he would be so irritated about going, yet when I wanted to miss one of his family gatherings, I never heard the end of it. P.S. that's not how any of this relationship stuff should go.

Fast forward to August of 2021, things were just absolutely miserable on my end. He says they weren't for him, but I beg to differ. Why, then, would you choose to hole yourself up in a spare room and play video games all night after dinner while I take care of the boys and get them to bed? Then spend the rest of the night reading on my own? I'll tell you why. So that later, you can tell me that I don't spend enough time with you. There's that gaslighting again.

That's the month we decided it would be better for our whole family if the two of us divorced. Two months later, the whole thing was finalized and we each went our separate ways. Our boys were pretty upset about the whole thing when we told them, as they should have been. However, it didn't take them long to jump back to their usual happy selves. I've talked to them each about it and explained to them that it's better this way and they understood. They told me they didn't like to see me so sad all the time.

There's still days, even a year and a half later that I'm triggered by something and I'll just start to cry or get really mad about it and there's still four really tall walls up around me that no one has been able to fully tear down yet. However, I know that I've started a healing journey and I have two beautiful little humans that are looking to me to guide them through this crazy life.

So, no, things can NEVER be how they once were, and that's okay.

If you're struggling with something similar or are in any kind of toxic relationship or recently freed yourself from one and you need someone to talk to on your journey, I wanted to leave the info for my very good friend Chelsea who is a counselor and this is one of her many specialties. Here is her info, tell her Shari sent you!

Website: https://www.healingwithchels.com/

Instagram: @thechelseamom