The Aftermath

'Healing doesn't mean the damage never existed. It means the damage no longer controls our lives.'

First off, this is the "end" of my story so to speak even though the journey is still going. From here on out, we'll live it together! Secondly, I feel like I need that quote tattooed on me somewhere. Anyone else agree?

I guess you could say I'm one of the lucky ones. My divorce process took approximately 61 days from decision date to finalization date. Unfortunately though, neither of us had a place to go, nor did we want to leave our boys without a custody agreement in place. So, for those two months, we still lived in the same house and things were very much unpleasant. We ended up selling that gorgeous house - if I was making the money I am now, then, I could've kept it - unfortunately that wasn't the case. We split the money we made on the sale and went our separate ways.

I mentioned before that I am not used to being alone; that I've had a man in my life in some capacity since I was 18 years old. That's quite a minute! When you go from always having someone, to having someone plus two kids, to having absolute silence, zero people around you fifty percent of the time; that silence can be deafening at the beginning. As much as we needed to be apart and as happy as I was about it, I was struggling bad. My anxiety, depression, panic attacks, feelings of worthlessness all seemed to have worsened. This wasn't supposed to happen! I was supposed to be happy and free from all of these feelings! What's going on?!

Change is hard and I knew that going into this newness. I didn't, however take into account how often this newness would still have me questioning myself and thinking I actually am crazy and it was me the whole time that ruined this marriage.

Truth moment: I'm not lacking in the "interested? Check here" department. The list goes on for days. Here's the thing though; when I finally find one I click with and we go out a handful of times, for whatever reason, he runs. Or scenario two; guy is over the top sweet with compliments and praise and all the things - which I should be loving right - because I didn't get enough of that before. Instead, I'm there with this deer in the headlights look about to panic because that's too much for me. So here I am going on date after date or whatever you even want to call it and absolutely despising the dating pool and the male species all together.

The good news is that after a rough first year of co-parenting with my ex-husband, we've finally gotten to a point where we can communicate well and be in the same vicinity without strain in our voices and without the noticeable, 'I want to run far far away before I slap you' look in our eyes.

That pretty much brings us to where I am now. Currently in a love/hate relationship with dating, men and, well relationships. I'm doing well, really. I'm fine, it's fine, everything is fine. From now on though, I'm going into dates with zero expectations. Maybe I'll aim for friends and see how that turns out for me. Or maybe I'll just start taking referrals from friends ONLY. I heard that from a girl over the weekend. That's the only way she'll date - by recommendation from a friend. Honestly, what do I have to lose at this point?